From Maiden to Mother Series Part 2 “Body Image & True Beauty Initiation”

What I have found and learned in this metamorphosis of maiden to mother - after the huge metamorphosis we already transform through in pregnancy— is that beauty looks and feels way different.

All of our previous notions of beauty , strength and our bodies inside and out are shattered . All of our tools we acquired before this moment to find our power, strength, move energy, self love, find our center, peace, etc — all of our practices of breath, movement , rituals —- it’s gone . Because we are in another dimension now. We don’t have that type of time or energy to devote to those things. The challenging  part is that we feel we need it to help ourselves, have  our sanity, find balance , rest, etc.

Self love looks different because we are not living only for ourselves anymore. We are living for another being / s. We are pouring all of our love, energy, dedication and devotion into them ~ first.

Especially as a solo mother , it’s way different. We don’t have the ability to do our breathwork or yoga practice while our significant other is taking a shift with our baby .

Back to the phase of maiden to mother —-

I have learned that it is the grandest initiation to find our true beauty . To find our true power through softness .

This time —- the actual physical softness of our bodies. The different image . The sleepless nights and exhaustion to the bone. The pain. The isolation. The feeling of all your muscles and organs out of place still and finding their way back ( I should say FORWARD).

To a new place .

Just as your body knew exactly what to do to shift and transform perfectly for your baby to live inside your body, be nurtured, sustained and flourish into being— your body knows and is built to know exactly what to do when your baby is outside of your body ~ yet still connected and co- regulating with yours. You are still sharing energy centers, nervous systems etc .

So, as your baby grows and gets stronger , learns her mobility ~ you will too. Every day your baby gets stronger , you will too.

I remember such moments of feeling down about my body in certain ways post partum until about 7 months with Nayiia.

I felt like I still felt no muscles, no core, and gained weight breastfeeding etc.

A daily dance of not feeling good about my body, and loving my body for how powerful it was to birth her into this world and keep sustaining her all on my own. The beauty of imperfection ~ motherhood . The art of surrender. And just feeling so beautiful and powerful the way I am, now that I am a mother.

Not caring much anymore about the things I did before, because I have a sparkling, radiant , beautiful little girl I am carrying and that is just sooo BEAUTIFUL. And I started to feel even more beautiful eventually . Not wanting to be a maiden anymore. Not relating to that.

There’s a humbleness , a humility that’s needed in motherhood that honestly cannot be accessed when we are maidens . We are still living for ourselves no matter how beautifully of service we are to others and the earth. We are still only for ourselves .

It’s a shattering and a true humbling.

And then the real, raw, true beauty, power and wisdom shines through.

It’s the greatest gift.

And what feels and looks attractive very much changes .

Once I hit the 7 month mark, I noticed my body getting a bit stronger . Still softer and not ripped, rock-solid, athletic like it was before , but stronger for sure. And between 8-9 months I am definitely feeling a difference. I am loosing weight, but not intentionally . My focus is to eat lots of calories and high fats and protein, carbs etc to keep my milk supply flowing and golden and make sure I’m like fully nourished . It’s hard as it is as a single mother to even make anything for myself so I am not on any sort of diet at all and when my focus is to keep nourishing Nayiia — the focus and channel of energy is not geared towards that right ?

So— naturally as I started to accept and love my new self ( not easy at all and not perfect and I totally have  ups and downs - just like the cycles of life and the tides of the sea ) my body started to integrate more. Find it’s way forward. I donated all my old clothes that didn’t fit so I didn’t have to try them on over and over that couldn’t get past half my thighs . I donated them to women who really needed things .

And as I start to shed that old identity — my body got leaner and stronger too .

And with breastfeeding we are softer— but I promise your strength is there. You have to find a different kind of strength. Then the physical strength comes too .

I also cannot do a workout, yoga , etc. I just carry my baby around all day .

Walks have saved me . I walk twice a day . Even to get a coffee or juice and just walk. We learn to breath while our baby is on us against our chest and belly. Deep diaphragmatic breaths in a new momma way. We learn to walk a new path. I walk even if my baby is breastfeeding — even slowly in the carrier. While she sleeps. I walk.

Right now I cut my foot open on the bottom on something sharp on the beach, and it turns out I nicked a tendon.

I should be off of it— but we know that’s not possible with a baby . So I am still walking and breathing.

It helps my sanity .

I gained 50 pounds in my pregnancy even in Mexico sweating etc. I had extreme food adversions  and did not like any of my healthy yummy things anymore. Couldn’t stand them.

I re-wired my perception of what I even considered healthy . Eventually I enjoyed just eating whatever I wanted . The whole pizzas to myself. The pastries. Whatever . And now I still eat whatever I want. I am healthy, vibrant and mindful, and also I listen to my body. Sometimes I really feel like I need that because I’m just starving my buns off giving everything to my child. It feels so gorgeous and magical and also like the life is sucked out of you. We have to replenish with nutrients and life force energy.

I promise you — you will find and walk the pathway . You will get stronger and stronger.

And then you will be even stronger than you were before.

You are beautiful  . You are powerful. You are creator . You are giver of life. You are a goddess. You are a queen. You are a warrior. You are mother.

You stand in front of the mirror with your baby every day , and you show her/ him what a powerful beautiful woman is. You show her what beauty means. You are her pillar and foundation.

The passion I have for showing Nayiia a new way, a new lens — makes me stronger and makes me love myself as a mother more and more. Through showing her , you will start to believe it and shine. ✨.

You got this Momma.

From Maiden To Mother Series Part 1 “The Two Metamorphosis’s “

The two metamorphosis’s 𓆨𓆦

The first metamorphosis of motherhood occurs when we are pregnant.

It is this whole process, where we are letting go of our old body and identity for the very first time. Our body is doing something it has never done before. It grows bigger and bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier. All of our organs move to other places and everything is opening, expanding and making room for this new little being to grow. It is the first time we are sharing our actual body with another being. Another being literally living inside of us. Sharing our air, blood, food, energy~ everything physically and energetically. Sharing every moment with us inside of our body. The stretching, the body changes, the heightened senses, the loosened bones, joints and tissues. It’s such an experience.

You watch yourself shift and transform over 9 months into a whole other woman. Wondering what you will be like as a mother. What you will feel like, look like. How you will navigate your new life. So many thoughts and fears cycle and loop within your mind, heart and body, throughout the experience. It’s all in the future and no matter what you do to prepare yourself ~ you are not really prepared for the real thing .

You start to feel this powerful mother instinct and protection of yourself and your baby .

Your friends are still around because you are still “you” even with your growing belly. You still have time to be present with them in some of the same ways, enjoy  your time and space and practice whatever rituals you love. You still have your own time and life .

The second metamorphosis comes the moment you birth your baby to earth.

The moment you touch the other side … you retrieve your baby and pass through the threshold . The moment their slippery vernix covered skin evacuates out of you, still connected to you by your placenta and umbilical chord. The moment you crack wide open, touch death , and are reborn again.

The moment your baby is not inside you anymore and is outside against your chest crying their first cry, breathing their first air, seeing you and earth for the first time.

You become mother. You are no longer maiden anymore.

You no longer have your own time.

You no longer have energy or full presence for others .

You have energy and full presence for your new baby .

You have every bit of you , all for them.

You give yourself away completely .

You sacrifice yourself and everything else .

You are humbled to your knees . You are shattered . You are open and bleeding and empty inside . All organs still sifted to the sides and all over the place. You are an open blob. A hollow tree .

Who are you now?

You will never be the old you anymore . You grieve your old self, body, and identity.

Like when the snake sheds her skin, she sheds it all at once ~ not little by little. She goes blind right before she sheds her skin, and when it sheds she sees anew , out of fresh lenses.

This is you Momma.

Just like your new baby . Seeing anew.

You are a newborn baby too. You have to find your new self in the world as a mother . You have to find your center within this softness, blob- centered, broken feeling.

You have to find beauty in your new body. Find power and strength somehow with zero sleep . Maybe zero help or support. Maybe you cannot eat for 7 hours while you cluster feed your baby boob to boob to boob and you are so hungry .

And you find will-power.

A super power. Mother - super - powers 100% flow through you like adrenaline and lightning bolts to refuel you.

Your hormones go through the biggest leap possible in the human body instantaneously 0-100. Floor to the sky.

You ride the biggest emotional waves of your life when your milk comes in. You feel defeated and so in love at the same time, with oxytocin ~ the love hormone pumping through your vessel.

Ooooof mama. The post partum journey is no joke .

The metamorphosis continues, as your baby blossoms into being ~ so do you . It takes A LOT of time. A whole other cycle of time. Everything has to find a new place . Your skin is stretched and expansive. Your body still open and trying to seal back up. Re- weave itself . Re-integrate. Time feels so slow and never ending as you see the sunrise over and over again each day and have to keep going, giving your baby and life all you have. At the same time, it’s flying by and your baby is growing so fast . Every day a new magical thing to witness and feel . Seeing life for the first time all over again through this precious, innocent , pure little being.

The most divine gift possible.

You may find your friends aren’t there much anymore now that you are not “ you” anymore and can’t give them all your attention. Maybe they don’t understand or relate to you anymore as you’ve shifted everything you every thought or understood before . You went through the biggest ceremony, the grandest initiation and right of passage & the most profound and powerful psychedelic trip of your lifetime. Oh ya ! Just like you are a transformed person after your plant medicine ceremony . Try birth !!! Nothing is the same after that. It’s a whole new programming. A whole new set of lenses, mentality & healing journey. What doesn’t resonate inside of that new frequency, it falls off completely.

You have new friends flowing in . Maybe other mothers and parents who just ~ get it.

You don’t have time to explain yourself or give energy to bullshit anymore.

Your boundaries are fierce AF and your tolerance filter is pristine and crystalline. Your level of discernment is strong and equipped .

You are momma bear now.

Unfuckwithable . No one wants to mess with Momma.

That part feels pretty damn powerful, I am not going to lie.

There is also an isolation. A loneliness .

A confusion of how you are going to do this . To raise another human being well~ in the right ways. The truly meaningful ways. The beauty way.

The whole weight of life is on your shoulders to carry along with your baby.

Especially as a solo momma ~ it is so damn hard to feel this all on your own and stay strong for your baby every day. A grounded, stable, pillar.

I always visualize the process of metamorphosis when a butterfly or moth is inside the cocoon or shiny chrysalis, and is fighting and breaking through this tough sheath, to emerge as a magnificent winged creature . A new being.

It’s not an easy process.

There are actually two processes as well interestingly enough.

One where they dissolve all their tissues and all of their cells begin a process of transforming completely. Regrows itself into a completely new creation. The second part is getting out of the chrysalis.

The old catterpillar is completely broken down and turned into something new.

So are we mommas.

It was the caterpillars destiny to become a butterfly, as it is ours to become a Mother. Trust the process and the transformation. It is all perfect.

Every time my daughter looks at me deeply in the eyes, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light within all the darkness and the blessing in it all.

It is right here. To be fully FULLY present is key.

Every day as I move through this second metamorphosis 9 months later, I go through waves of feeling complete overwhelm and then I get reminded that this is probably the best time of my whole life. The love I feel . My baby so close to me every day. Belly to belly, heart to heart. Her big brown eyes looking up at me with a radiant smile, loving me as her whole universe. It’s the best feeling in the world. I know I will miss it when she is older . I cherish every single spec of time offered to me . What a gift this is.

To be continued…

Motherhood Journey & Birth Story Part 10 “You are the only one to make this choice once that baby is inside YOUR temple. You are MOTHER no matter what” ~YOUR BODY YOUR CHOICE~

Motherhood journey & birth story continued • •

I am deeply grateful for my midwife and my birth team. I am grateful for Ponca that has been by my side every step of the way every single day and night. My companion, my angel, the light of my life.

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And I know I was born for this.

Things don’t always look the way we dream of, envision, or think we are manifesting, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the most meant-to-be magical thing to exist . When we manifest things- we have to release them fully to the universe, surrender to the organic flow of life, and detach from outcomes. Things can manifest in their own ways and forms, in their own timing, and completely different than what we thought or predicted.

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And I know that life puts me through these massive initiations so that I can show up even more fully in this life and help others even more. I always emerge from the mud and find beauty in everything and it’s the most painful and rewarding medicine of this life.

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I have had so many women reach out to me in this experience, & tell me they took a different decision because they were terrified to do it alone,  didn’t have the partner they wanted for this experience and that made it not acceptable, allowed that person to tell them what to do with their bodies and thought they had authority over that, so they made a decision they didn’t want to make, felt threatened by society and afraid to do what felt right for them, & wished they had the courage at that time to stand in their full power & claim their autonomy & sovereignty over their own bodies, because now they feel traumatized from that in the aftermath and don’t know how to forgive themselves for it.

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So if anything I can offer will help other women feel empowered to go for it even if they are on their own~ if that’s what they feel strongly in their hearts is the right thing for them and for this soul that has planted themselves inside of their bodies & wombs, then so it is !

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Whatever you choose for you and that soul is perfect. Completely perfect and there’s no shame in it.

You are the only one to make this choice once that baby is inside YOUR temple. You are MOTHER no matter what.

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there is no “Storybook “ The way women are treated is how the earth is treated

I feel angry that a woman in general and in addition— a woman who’s carrying a life inside of her is left to the trash and not honored and cared for . A direct representation of how the earth is just trashed constantly and destroyed and not honored for her beauty and all she does to sustain our lives every single day. I was told , “ Ya, I cared about you.. but not enough.”

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I was shamed the fuck out of for not ending her life - when I am the only one who has the authority to choose what I want to do with my own body.

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In my 7th month of pregnancy while sick in bed, I was asked if I felt guilty or if I felt she was a mistake ….

Never was . Never will be. And what on earth would I feel guilty for ?!

For getting impregnated ( which I didn’t do to my own self by the way) and then having enough courage to keep going and be beyond honored to be a mother of this precious angel and devote the rest of my existence to loving her and caring for her ?

Nope. No guilt there.

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Now that I am moments away from my birth … I wish I had this big, strong, beautiful, masculine, supportive, encouraging, uplifting anchor to hold me in my birth. To fire up my oxytocin levels and envelop me in love. To root me on and be excited for this new life. To have all the faith in me that I can do this and I got this. To be there to watch her enter and give her so much love for her birth moment in this new world.

I wish I could have that experience. But… I don’t right now.

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And guess what? It is all perfect. Perfectly orchestrated . For whatever reasons, it just is. I will also say that it’s not my intention at all to say anything bad about anyone here and their choices. I am just vulnerably sharing my story and experience. I feel it’s so important because we all have our own journeys and there are so many who have such powerful experiences and it’s not only the “ storybook “ way . There is no storybook. It’s all beautiful and so worth it. I am grateful for all of it. Including this being because he helped me create this beautiful miracle~ my daughter. I am forever connected because she is a part of him and so am I now. We all came here to share medicine with each other.

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𓏧

Motherhood & Birth Story part 9

Motherhood journey & birth story continued • •

When they say it takes a village — it really does . I have learned so much about community — way more than when I was even living in an “ intentional community “. Real life community around you that comes together to help support each other . I have felt so loved and blessed by people around me. Even strangers treated me like gold. So loving, willing, generous, supportive, full of beauty, joy and celebration for this life coming into the world.

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I felt showered in blessings everywhere I went in my pregnancy and reminded of my beauty. I even had other men tell me that a pregnant woman is the most gorgeous thing to walk this planet. Or had others want to be with me while I was pregnant !!! I was in awe and received the most gorgeous reflections. It

really kept me going because I would return home to just being alone and pregnant and never touched, held or loved in this experience, and it felt so lonely and sad in moments for me.

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It was so hard to not feel well and feel so exhausted and have to always cook for myself and do everything for me and this baby without any help at all. I felt sick the majority of my pregnancy and it was really challenging. I feel proud of myself that I made it all the way to the finish line.

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I feel angry that I have had to apologize to my baby for all the horrible feelings & thoughts, all the stress that she is feeling too because of this. To work so hard to make sure to tell my baby girl my entire pregnancy even until this day before she makes her entrance into this world, that she is so loved & wanted. I have had to be so fiercely loving and protective of her. Telling her how much she deserves in this world and I hope she never gets treated poorly, in some of these ways I have as a beautiful sacred woman of this earth.

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I have had to trust so deeply that she is so very wise and that she understands at a deeper level, and that it’s okay to show her that we need to feel these human emotions — full spectrum. And also that she somehow chose this and knows what she’s stepping into and everything is okay.

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To be continued…

Motherhood Journey & birth Story Part 8

Motherhood journey & birth story continued • •

Let me just say that this experience has had a lot of twists and turns, grief, rage, and beyond wild emotions.

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In this deep magic, there is muddy grit too.

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So let’s get raw together. 𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂿𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃

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I feel so angry that I was not treated in the ways I know so deeply, I truly deserve.

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And not just me. Every little girl, woman, mother, daughter, sister, and all the women who came before us. I will not sit here in silence and be small. I will not hold back my voice. I will not withhold the truth. Because truly— I was treated in a way that is a disgrace to this planet . And even deeper than what it felt like for me personally, I felt the biggest anger of all, that this is what the earth is being treated like and I have no tolerance for that.

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It has been so fucking hard to let go of my anger about this and forgive because I devote my whole life to being a steward of this earth and to take care of her— our mother. I spend my life helping to heal and holding space for women all over the globe to stand in & reclaim their power and heal their wombs and hearts.

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I have been in complete dis-belief that I would have this experience in such a precious & sacred moment in my life . That it would unfold in this way. It has been so challenging to accept it . All the while I have had to soften into all of it and have full trust in it all.

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I of course desired to have a beautiful, amazing, loving, supportive partner in this … but I didn’t and I don’t, and I know that I can utilize this wound as a beautiful tool to help heal even more and share my story with other women, so that they can feel empowered too. Because in reality - us women, mothers, we are doing this all on our own inside of ourselves. There is no one else that is helping to grow, nourish, nurture, and sustain this baby except for you and your body. And when I realized that — it gave me a lot of strength and courage.

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Of course it would be so lovely and beautiful to have that support and love from a partner, someone to kiss my belly and share this beyond beautiful and magical adventure, but I didn’t NEED it.

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To be continued…

Motherhood & Birth Story Part 7

Motherhood journey & birth story continued • •

Back to my visions 𓁺

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She swam in a river & looked at me on top of the ripped waters with crystalline eyes.

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She twirled and danced in the waters. Everything so blue.

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From day one she showed me so many beautiful things about her spirit over and over again. Many animal guides walking with her, that showed up for me in protection as gatekeepers, such as the peacock, wolf, turtle, dolphin, crocodile, and so many more. But she never revealed her name. I got that question constantly, and I knew there was no rush and that it would come. And gosh, it’s quite hard to put a “ label “ on a person. Without even knowing them yet in this earthly realm.

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So my prayer and intention from the start, was to choose a beautiful name that held her essence that she showed me as spirit in the womb, so that each and every day when she hears her name for the rest of her life, she will reconnect with that frequency over and over again and remember who she is before she became a conditioned human being.

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That night in my new moon ritual, I kept hearing this name and melody over and over. I just wanted to marinate in it and see what else was to come if it. I fell asleep shortly after my ritual on my bed and I met my daughter in the dream world. She took me on a journey down the Nile river 𓆌𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃

At some point in the dream,

she brought me to a sacred site & had me stand in front of a stone wall. It was quite blurry until eventually, she showed me her name and the spelling inside of the stone. Specifically asking me to put three I ‘s in it. ( haha of course ). I woke up immediately and turned on the lights. I wrote it down . I then looked it up and when I saw what the origen of the name ( not the specific spelling I am choosing ) meant, I deeply smiled and it made perfect sense.

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She told me to keep her name as 𝓈𝒶𝒸𝓇𝑒𝒹 as possible and not reveal it until birth and I also wanted to see her face and look into her beautiful eyes first, before naming her. So that is what I will do.

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To be continued…

Motherhood & birth Story Part 6

Motherhood journey & birth story continued • •

In my last weeks of pregnancy, I opened a prayer for my baby girl as I enter the birth portal, and used my pelican wing for the first time in an offering to the waters of the womb, the river, and to my beautiful flower of the waters ~ my daughter. 𓆁𓆃𓆸

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Yes, she has a name ~ the most beautiful name, but that will be revealed after she is born and travels through her huge transition from the waters of the womb in her cozy liquid cocoon, to living breathing earth.

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She revealed her name to me on the new moon in my 7th month of pregnancy, when I sat with a freshly rolled blue lotus sacred lady flower smoke, a moon petal ancient lotus flower tonic and a fresh beeswax candle. A very simple ritual on my bed that night, as I was in agony from a broken rib & torn cartilage after being sick for two weeks from a respiratory infection. That was a whole initiation in itself. The baby was cozied up on that side pressing up against my ribs and I was coughing so hard and vomiting day after day that it blew out my rib and injured me horribly. It hurt so bad to be that pregnant, with my big belly already, not a lot of space to breathe as it was, weeks of being barely capable of taking a deep breath (which was so scary because my breath is my baby’s breath), and then injured ribs for my last months of pregnancy remaining.

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So, I sat there in silence, breathing ever so softly & slowly the best I could on my bed, prayed over my candle and infused it with my new moon intentions, and lit it. I had my eyes closed for hours and I connected to my baby. I whispered to her, caressed her through my skin on top of my belly, sang super soft melodies to connect to her frequency, let her guide my voice telling me what melodic nature she liked, and breathed in the spirit of the blue lotus ( which is extremely symbolic because that is what she revealed herself to me as~ a blue flower of the waters). I started hearing her name softly not knowing what it meant or wanting to attach to that being her “name “.

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She engulfed me in a bright, rich, sapphire blue light and showed me her essence. 𓂍

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To be continued …

Birth Is Nature & Nature Is The Mother

Birth to Earth 𓁒

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Amidst the fears I am experiencing going into birth, I remember that I was made and built for this.

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My body was perfectly designed with birth in mind.

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There is nothing to fear, as I am nature herself, just doing her thing.

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I don’t have to think. My body will do it on her own in the perfect way.

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My body is paving the path for my baby to come down & through, as the portal opens between the worlds.

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My baby knows exactly what to do, and so do I .

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We are working together in perfect harmony.

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I as the mother, am being fully held too and there is nothing put in my path or experience that I cannot handle.

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My pains, contractions, feelings cannot be more powerful than me because they are me.

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I breathe in and out knowing that inside me I hold the breathe of life & creation.

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I am powerful enough to create life itself.

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With each wave, I invite it in and welcome it all, for it brings me closer and closer to meeting my baby.

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Birth is nature & nature is the Mother.

Motherhood & Birth Story Part 5

Motherhood journey & birth story continued • •

And so 𓏧 I dove in 𓄽

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That day I rode on the back of the bike home. I felt the morning sun caressing my skin and the wind in my hair. I felt the miracle that I was so beautifully blessed with . I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock.

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I will clarify that it only felt like a miracle to me and not all involved.

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I knew that I had to have courage every step forward and to keep going no matter what. I knew that there was a big possibility I would walk this path alone. But in the end, I am never alone. I have the earth carrying me and holding me, I have the divine guiding me, I have my heart as my compass, I have my ancestors paving the path~ showing me their ways and giving me strength, I have all the beautiful beings in my life that love and support me, I have Ponca as my guardian and at my side always ~ here for now, and in spirit forever, and I have my beautiful daughter carried within me, growing and becoming every step of the way.

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The journey has not been easy let me tell you. I have felt every fucking human emotion possible . I have grieved deeply. I have felt rage fuming out of my pores. I have felt such pain. I have felt abandoned, betrayed, and alone. I have felt so deeply lonely. I have felt scared and fearful. I have felt violated and disgusted. I have felt beyond disrespected and not honored at all.

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At the same time, I moved into magnificent layers of feelings. Next level from anything I’ve ever experienced. I felt empowered and strength like never before. To be a beautiful woman carrying life inside of her, I breathed the most potent life force . I felt primal and instinctually brilliant. I felt protective of me and my baby in ways I’ve never felt in life. I felt sexy and juicy. I felt more woman than I’ve ever felt. I felt zero room for bullshit in my life anymore. I created powerful and clear boundaries. I felt so capable and unstoppable.

I felt heightened as if I was in a plant medicine ceremony 24/7 and everything was magnified- smell, taste, sounds, feelings, energies. ( This also made me feel really sick my entire pregnancy until month 8 - literally ).

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To be continued 𓏧

Motherhood Journey & Birth Story part 4

Motherhood journey & birth story continued • •

The day after the ceremony, I went for a walk on the beach with a dear sister of mine to integrate and go have a nourishing meal.

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As I walked along the shoreline, I came across a recently deceased pelican . She was still warm and it was unknown how she passed. Her spirit was still very much present.

As she laid there in stillness, belly to the earth, I placed my hands on her back & upon her wings. After some long moments to connect with her spirit, I received the message that she wanted to offer me her feathers, to use specifically for womb healing and working with the waters of the womb. Also for motherhood blessings. ( Which I do all of these offerings already and this was such a gorgeous gift offering to add into it all).

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I walked away that day with her wings, cleansed them in beautiful rituals & flower baths, performed a purification ceremony & preserved them. They have sat upon my alter ever since.

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I then discovered that the medicine of the pelican is a medicine of sacrifice from the mother to her offspring . The medicine of true maternal love. 𓆁

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July 9th, 2021 on the new moon in cancer, I took my first official pregnancy test.

I was given the most beautiful gift of my life. Against all odds, I was pregnant. With only one working fallopian tube, she was safe in my uterus and her beautiful heart beating strong with the pulse of life.

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I was so nervous and scared for this appointment because I did not know if she was ectopic or safe in my uterus. I either had to have emergency surgery that day and release her back to the stars, or I would have the most beautiful opportunity of motherhood.

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I was violently shaking laying there in that ultrasound room, and the technician said to me, “Puedes tratar de no moverte? Estoy tratando de escuchar los latidos del corazón de tu bebé.” ( Can you please try not to move, I am trying to listen to your baby's heartbeat.) I looked at the screen and saw my baby safe in my uterus. I closed my eyes and listened to her heart for the first time.

Dancing on Both Sides of The Coin

An inner dialogue at the start of my motherhood journey, not knowing I would soon be pregnant with my miracle. Swimming in hopelessness, pain and confusion. Embracing what was. Exploring it all. Navigating both sides of the coin.

Pain vs pleasure …

One coin, two sides

Are we always touching both? Do we need one to feel the other? Can we only have one and not the other ?

Both exist together. What is the space between ?

Are we experiencing both simultaneously? Sometimes dipping into one more than the other, but the other still always existing ?

Is it about relinquishing one, or is it about feeling both and embracing them both?

Mmm the paradoxical nature of our reality within and without …

How can I let go 𓂓

And hold on so tightly at the same time.

To something that I have always dreamed of. Something that I feel I want to experience in every cell and every bone. Something that I have always longed for. Something that I have been shown is my destiny in this life. Something that my heart sings to since I was a little girl. Something I feel so powerfully was what I was born to do.

How can I let go & hold on at the same time 𓏧

How do I give it all up to Life 𓂃Creator𓂃 The Divine Mother 𓂃Pachamama and allow the channel to fully open to what is truly meant for me.

How do I relinquish control & fully trust?

While at the same time, create my own reality.

How to dance on both sides of the coin 𓂻𓂽

Embracing both fully

Feeling both fully

Trusting both fully

Softening into the knowing that all is well in my world and I am being held and guided in every moment.

Wild surrender

Knowing that both exist and I can embrace both

Dissipate separation & find full merged connection

What happens when we explore that either-or can be what is meant to be and we find fulfillment anyway?

What happens when we pave that path and we take the journey of least resistance ?

Softening & resting in the

in between 𓃆𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓃆

motherhood & Birth Story Part 3

Motherhood journey & birth story continued • •

It was almost as if, the moment I acknowledged or gave energy to exploring the unseen parts of myself that did not want to be a mother, even though I felt that this did not exist beforehand, created a different result.

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The non- attachment, the openness and exploration of this potentiality, the awareness of denial or this being a possibility, the control over this being my path or the grasp onto the deep calling & knowing that this was my destiny~ all brought me to the space, the void, the flow that trusted life would offer me what is truly meant to be.

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So I decided to leave it up to life ~ to creator, the divine mother, Pachamama, and it opened the channel. It manifested literally IMMEDIATELY.

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This ties into one of my deepest philosophies & realizations in this life which is ~ that everything is like one coin with two sides, and we cannot reject or deny the other side, because it does very much exist. We must explore both sides & feel both of them FULLY, to then find the balance and the dance between them and always be aware that one needs the other and that they always both exist simultaneously.

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So, if I did not explore the other side of the coin where I did not want to be a mother, maybe I would not manifest the full experience. Who knows…

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Now~ I can experience the layers of the journey before motherhood, into motherhood, becoming a mother, and embodying a mother to its fullest in this life.

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I experienced the same with pain and pleasure. They are one and the same - two sides of the same coin. We must feel one to know the other.

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To be continued • • •

Motherhood & Birth Story Part 2

Motherhood journey & birth story continued • •

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I have always wanted to be a mother and have experienced much dis-ease & illness in my womb~ pretty much everything on the list that would prevent me from being fertile or have the opportunity of motherhood in this lifetime, or at least create a grand challenge in this realm.

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I have surpassed so many obstacles and experienced such agony in my womb, that I felt quite hopeless and also confused that after all that healing, I was going through this pain and experience all these years later.

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Something interesting to note, is that days prior to the ceremony when tuning into my intentions and what I would love to receive guidance, clarity, and healing with, was my relation to motherhood.

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Specifically exploring the parts of me that maybe did not want to be a mother. Now this may sound strange, so let me explain.

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Although I felt consciously and within every cell of my being that ALL PARTS of me deeply wanted to be a mother, something very profound streamed through my consciousness and was shown to me, which was ~ that if it had not manifested already, then there must be parts of me yet to explore that maybe did not want this, and those were the parts preventing me from manifesting it into my life. ( Merely just an exploration & adventure within to embark on).

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So I decided to take a journey into those parts and greet those parts of me that maybe did not want it, feared it or whatever that may be. Because clearly it existed within me, and I did not want to see it. So maybe, for something to truly manifest, all needed to be in alignment, all parts seen, felt and acknowledged, & thus~ that is the reality I would create as a result.

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Well…. it did… LITERALLY.

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To be continued • • •

The beginning Of My Journey Into Motherhood

The beginning of my journey into motherhood •••

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I sat in my last ceremony with the grandmother 𓆙June 19, 2021.

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Within the first hour of ceremony, Abuelita Ayahuasca told me to put my hands on my womb. I put my hands on my womb, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply and softly. I began to journey inside my womb, into the waters of my womb, into the blood and tissues, into my uterus… where I saw a fetus floating and connected. My belly began to grow bigger and bigger until I was fully pregnant. I opened my eyes and asked the medicine, “ Am I pregnant ?.” And the journey began.

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One of my intentions going into this ceremony was to connect deeply with my relation with motherhood . I had been going through agonizing pain in my womb for the first time in many years and experiencing sensations that I had not felt in a long time. These sensations were bringing up a lot for me. Many old experiences, traumas, wounds, thoughts, fears and more.

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I got very sick in my womb and was hospitalized. I had damage to my right fallopian tube and they wanted to remove it. As the infection began to subside and the fluid in my fallopian tube started to drain, I went home to heal further and was bed ridden for weeks and weeks. I was told that I needed to have fallopian tube removal surgery, but that I could wait until I decided I wanted to conceive, since I did not need it urgently anymore for potential rupture of the tube. This is because it would cause threat of ectopic pregnancy, which can be fatal of course to the baby, but also to the mother.

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I was moving through such a deep process inside. After a decade of healing my womb and finally feeling liberated there, feeling good there and finally feeling a little spec of pleasure for the first time in my life after so much healing work, I found myself with a sick, burning, aching womb, and now an even lower potential of being a mother. I felt so deeply discouraged, numb, sad, confused, hopeless, violated, rageful, and more.

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I have always wanted to be a mother.

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To be continued • • •

The Most Spiritual Practice I Have Ever Experienced

The most spiritual practice I have ever experienced is 𓂃

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MOTHERHOOD

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The deepest 𓏫

Transformation, surrender, pain, light, presence, purity & innocence, awareness & mindfulness, kindness & compassion, protection of energies, level of things / persons falling off that don’t truly serve or offer support in your life, openness, sacrifice, metamorphosis ( s ), softness inside & out, acceptance, intelligence & wisdom, instinct, love and practice.

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Just my every moment practice of motherhood each day, is my spiritual practice. And I honestly don’t have any more space or time to do anything else, but this. So it’s all consuming within every space within and without. And to sit with that and do it every hour every day ~ ooof . It is not an easy task. It takes complete commitment & dedication.

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I have to go within as exhausted & sleep deprived that I am, and find stability & calm. Even if I feel like I can’t keep my eyes open anymore, I stay alert and clear. Even if I have hunger, I am selfless and put her needs before mine. Not much room for ego, except survival and fierce maternal instinct.

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Self love these days looks like, loving her so unconditionally that I am loving myself through that and feeling fulfilled. It is looking in the mirror every day with her at my breast, and saying, you are beautiful exactly as you are. You might look and feel different, but you are beautiful and your beautiful body created this life . You are powerful . You might feel tired and weak, but you are strong and carrying your baby in your arms day and night and are the only thing sustaining her entirely in every way. It is looking in the mirror at both her and I and back at each other, seeing our reflections and showing her what love and beauty looks like.

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Choosing to be so intentional with every aspect of what I do every day and how it affects her. Only focused on - what my actions do to affect this other being. And what I can do better or to be the best version of myself & mother.

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Motherhood is a spiritual path. In my experience — the most devoted, direct one.

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I am so full 𓂃𓋪𓂃

Skin Supplements: Beauty From The Inside Out

There are many amazing tricks to enhance external beauty, but let’s face it, unless you take care of your skin none of it will matter. Great skin can make you look absolutely gorgeous while a dull complexion can make you look lifeless and distressed. It makes all the difference! The skin is the largest organ of the body, which means that everything you put on it goes straight into your blood stream and vice versa. If what you’re putting into your body directly affects your skin don’t you want to step up your skincare regimen and create optimum results? Beauty comes from the inside out without a doubt!

Just like you take supplements for eye health, heart health and immunity support among other things, you also need to take supplements for your skin. With the proper supplements you can completely transform your skin! Benefits of the correct supplements include aiding in skin repair, preventing fine lines and wrinkles, slowing the aging process, treating sun damage, purifying acne prone complexions, and stimulating hair growth and strengthening nails.

Below are a few of my favorite and most highly recommended supplements to take daily for youthful, radiant and truly healthy skin.

Biotin

Stimulates hair growth
Strengthens nail plate and increases thickness
Creates vibrant skin

Fish oils/Omega 3,6,9

Promotes healthy inflammation response (inflammation is the deeply rooted problem of many skin conditions)
Helps with acne/clears skin
Balances hormones which are the cause of many breakouts
It’s natural source of fatty acids help with dry skin working from the inside out.
Contains eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) which regulates oil production helping to prevent acne, hydrates the skin, and prevents fine line and wrinkles by slowing the aging process
Prevents sun damage

Activated Charcoal

Absorbs toxins from the body (100-200 times its weight in toxins)
Removes heavy metals
Can be used externally to disinfect the skin, cure poisonous bites, treat acne, rashes , and trap dirt and oil

Panthenol

Moisturizing to the skin from the inside out
Plumps the skin
Smoothes wrinkles
Anti-aging
Repairs tissues at a cellular level for optimum skin health

Vitamin E

Increases blood circulation -which brings blood supply to hair follicles and helps it grow faster
Helps prevent fine lines and wrinkles
Fights against free radical absorption (free radicals result in damaged skin)
Can be used externally to aid in the healing any type of skin lesion or provide an extraordinary scar remedy.

Oil 101

Oil as skincare craze has been on the radar for some time now, but most people are uninformed about the differences and benefits of the variety of oils available to us. As a holistic skin therapist and organic beauty expert, I base my philosophy on the belief that because the skin is our largest organ it should be treated as purely as possible. I am accustomed to the shock and awe on my clients’ faces when I recommend that they switch to a skin and beauty routine, centered around the use of different types of pure and simple oils. Most commonly, they have the misconception that it will clog their pores, cause breakouts, make their complexion greasy, and that it won’t moisturize as effectively as heavier lotions and creams.

Using the correct oils as part of your skincare regimen is a game changer for beauties of all skin types (even the most sensitive!) Of course, there are good oils and bad oils for your skin and health; I advise wholeheartedly that you stay far away from mineral oil! I don’t care what the label tells you about how “amazing” a product is, if mineral oil is listed as an ingredient, do not buy it. We have five layers of skin and the first three are dead; Mineral oil does nothing beneficial for your skin, as it just sits on the very top layer preventing water loss (it doesn’t penetrate any deeper). Mineral oil is filled with toxins; Do you know what you use to gas up your car? Petroleum, also known as mineral oil!

Only pure ingredients derived from nature will actually penetrate the skin and make a difference on cellular level- a little food for thought! When you know which oils to use, the improvement in your skin is nothing short of magical. The best part: Most oils have multiple uses- You can use them as a daily moisturizer, remedy for problematic/acne prone skin, anti-aging purposes, healing remedies (they are amazing for scars and wound-care ), detoxification, or for relaxation (pampering massage) just to name a few! There is an undeniable difference in my clients’ skin when they switch to these simple and pure products. Below I have listed a few of my absolute favorites along with their extraordinary health benefits so that you can choose which oil fits your needs the best. Did I mention you can find them at any health-food store? Enjoy and soak up the love:

Coconut oil:

Best for: Dehydrated/ dry skin or hair

Benefits:
Natural sun protection- SPF 4
“Natures chapstick”
Amazing hair treatment-stimulates hair growth and mends split ends
All over body lotion- skin food and ultimate hydration for dry or dehydrated skin
Eye makeup remover – even water-proof mascara!
Great for skin conditions such as; psoriasis
Natural lubricant ( great for those prone to yeast infections or bacterial infections- it’s highly soothing and anti-microbial /anti-bacterial 

Jojoba oil:

Best for: All skin types; even sensitive or problematic/acne prone skin

Benefits:
Mimics skins natural sebum ( oil)- absorbs beautifully and doesn’t stay greasy
Great pre-cleanse – unclogs pores and removes dirt and makeup (apply to skin with cotton pad, rinse and follow with your daily cleanser )
All over body lotion for sensitive skin
Deep conditioning treatment for hair
Calming after sun moisturizer/after shave
Beautiful carrier oil – add divine scents to it (any essential oil blends) 

Grape-seed oil:

Best for: Mature/aging, acne/ problematic, or red/inflamed skin types

Benefits:
Is so anti-aging that it protects from free radicals and cellular level damage
Skin and tissue repair
Mild astringent and natural antiseptic -amazing for acne or inflamed skin
Great source of essential fatty acids and vitamin E- terrific scar remedy !
Increases circulation – helps with spider veins & varicose veins
Acne
Anti inflammatory
Hemorrhoid remedy
If you suffer from couperose (dilated capillaries or blood vessels) add a little rose and neroli essential oils to the grape seed oil – magical!

Sesame oil:

Best for: Mature/ aging skin types, detoxification, or massage

Benefits:
Includes antioxidant called sesamol- helps with fine lines and wrinkles
Amazing for detoxification because some of your body’s toxins are soluble in oil and this oil will rid your body of toxins by trapping them! ( massage into your skin before your shower or bath every day)
Great for wounds and its antibacterial properties
Amazing for massage oil- stimulating and healing (especially Ayurvedic massage ) 

What is your favorite oil skincare remedy? 

Goddess Rituals: Detox Baths by Megan Alexandra

The human body is primarily composed of water and salt! Even our blood is a perfect mixture solution of these elements. Doesn’t it sound intriguingly pleasant to soak in what your body is naturally made of and create an incomparable detoxification for your skin, body, mind, and spirit?

Lets begin with the huge misconception about salt: We are told to lower our salt intake because it causes high blood pressure, heart disease, weight gain, bloating, stroke, etc, but the truth is we cannot live without this glorious earth given element. However, there is a difference between unrefined salt and table salt.

In its natural form salt contains 84 essential minerals and no toxins or pollutants. Unfortunately, after our man-made refining process occurs, all the trace minerals and beneficial ingredients are eliminated turning it into a heavily toxic ingredient for our bodies.

On the other hand, unrefined salt is one of the most beneficial elements for our health- physically, mentally and spiritually. By bathing in it, you can create virtually one of the most powerful detoxifications for your body as a whole; by aiding in the healing of physical ailments as well as deep emotional release and spiritual clarity.

Unrefined salts contains minerals such as: magnesium, potassium, sodium, sulfur, zinc, calcium, chloride, iodide and bromide, all of which work harmoniously to nourish our bodies.
• Has a heightening effect on your vibrational energy
• Mental clarity
• Relaxation and stress relief
• Soothes insomnia
• Helps removal of toxins and heavy metals accumulated in the body
• Muscle recovery- eases muscle cramps
• Digestive aid and safe mild laxative
• Normalizes blood pressure
• Alkalizes your body
• Increases bone strength
• Heightens libido
• Relief for headaches
• Relief from menstrual pain
• Highly anti–inflammatory.
If that is not enough to convince you, here is more food for thought: our blood has a crystallized structure component. This means that unrefined salt metabolizes at a cellular level, making it pretty much the healthiest ingredient for your body!
My favorite unrefined salt Is Himalayan sea salt/crystal salt- it is the purest salt available on earth. This sacred salt has been around for over 250 million years and its unique cellular structure is capable of actually storing vibrational energy!
Below are two divine detox bath rituals which will help you get in touch with your inner goddess while soothing and repairing any health troubles you may be experiencing presently.
Tip: Remember to hydrate your body while taking these baths!

Beginning Cleansing Bath Ritual:

This first detox salt bath ritual is less intense, yet extremely effective. I recommend you practice this detox bath ritual for two weeks before moving on to the second one. This particular detox bath will help prepare your body physically and emotionally for the heightened intensity of the second detox bath ritual.
Start with one 8oz box of baking soda and 5-7 drops of tea tree oil for the first two weeks. Use only these ingredients to thoroughly cleanse and alkalize your body. Remember, your breath is natures tool at any given moment. This first set of baths are where you learn and practice to silence your mind and get in touch with your inner self and spirit. Look inward, breathe deeply and rhythmically, and either say your affirmations, listen to calm meditation/Shamanic healing music, or sound vibrations. I love to light some incense or candles to get the energy flowing. This ritual should be done for 20-30 min twice per week.

Goddess Water of Life:

When you’re ready to move into the deeper detox healing bath ritual, add three cups of pure Himalayan salt into your bath water. This should be done for 20-30 min 2x per week.
The water plus the pure crystallized salt is your “goddess water of life,” often called Sole. It will bring your body profound vibrational energy for at least twenty-four hours. Soaking for 20-30 min is equal to a 2-3 day fast! Try this on the next full moon on March 5th for powerful healing results!
Don’t use any toxic lotions or products after your baths, only pure natural oils to moisturize your skin.
Add essential oils of your choice such as lavender, sage, rose, rosemary, tea tree, and/or a carrier oil such as coconut or jojoba for added moisture.
Flower essences can be used as well. They work on the emotional wellbeing and spiritual imbalances. Receive the beautiful energy and powerful vibrations of flowers. These are different from essential oils and other herbal remedies and tinctures, so please don’t get them mixed up. There is a large array of flower essences to choose from based on whatever emotional or spiritual blocks you’re experiencing at the time. Lilac is my flower essence of choice lately because it’s beautiful qualities help release the old and freely welcome the new. Holding onto the past is something I found through my spiritual growth to be a significant struggle for me and has unfortunately manifested into physical pain and disease. These baths changed my life!
Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself and do not rush the process. In order to receive a truly transformational detox experience you need to be open to healing physically, mentally, and emotionally. You are connected to this earth and it’s vibrational energy with every cell in your body. You are here to fulfill a divine purpose and you will get there. These baths will help you to reveal your true essence, your inner goddess, and your purest spirit. Take 20 min out of your busy life, to give this gift to yourself , nurture you and rid yourself of negative energy inside and out. Your body is your temple in this life, my goddesses, so remember- You are allowed to love you. Let the bathing begin!

Spring Cleaning : Beyond the Label by Megan Alexandra

Spring is a time of renewal and growth where we burn through our old obstacles so that we can bloom into a better version of ourselves. Cleaning out old gunk, giving away clothes we no longer need, training for bathing suit season and, don’t forget, switching our skincare regimen to the purest products possible.

There are so many high-end beauty products on the market, but which ones should we choose? Is it worth it to buy a $200 eye-cream to fight aging? Or an acne regimen kit that costs a fortune to cure problematic skin? The key is to look beyond the label; Instead of looking at what the label tells you the product does for your skin, take a look at the ingredients. Just by the ingredients you can learn what a product truly does to benefit or destroy your skin and health.

Below is a list of beneficial ingredients along with ingredients to avoid at all costs. When reading the label keep in mind that the ingredients listed first are the most predominant and potent in the product. The ingredients at the end of the list are very minimal and usually there are just traces of them in the product (don’t be fooled, even traces of toxic ingredients can be detrimental for your health and beauty). Remember, your skin needs to be treated as purely as possible, as it is your largest bodily organ. Hello Spring and hello gorgeous!

Ingredients for flawless, radiant, and healthy skin:

Aloe Vera

Acts as a humectant which binds moisture to the skin
Natural antiseptic and antibiotic
Contains phytochemicals for skin + hair health
Creates a natural glowing effect to skin
Contains 75 nutrients, 20 minerals, 12 vitamins, 18 amino acids, and 200 active enzymes
Cures and heals the skin from inflammation, burns, and wounds

Essential oil /blends

Can slow aging and help all skin types to create a flawless complexion
Can reduce acne breakouts
Slow sebum production
Help with psoriasis or eczema
Tighten the skin
Reduce the appearance of scars
Soothe and heal cuts and burns
Help with broken capillaries (couperose)
Help lighten the appearance of sun spots
Encourage new cell growth

Carrier Oils

(Such as jojoba, coconut, grape-seed, sesame, olive, or almond oil)
Benefits all skin types
Carrier oil necessary for essential oil blends

AHA’s

(Derived from natural fruit extracts)
Bilberry, sugarcane, maple cane, orange, lemon, grapefruit, raspberry, and kiwi
Magical, natural chemical exfoliants to exfoliate dead skin cells
Slows aging
Increases cell renewal
Minimizes fine lines and wrinkles
Creates smoother, radiant, and healthier complexions

Green Earth Clay

(French Green Clay or Calcium Bentonite Clay)
One of nature’s strongest antiseptics
Draws out toxins and impurities – great for deep cleansing the skin
Heals wounds
Draws out poison from insect bites and aids in healing
Anti-inflammatory
Aids in healing tissues at a cellular level
Heals acne/problem prone skin

Raw Honey

Its natural enzymes keep skin clear
Highly moisturizing
Fights bacteria and fungus
Slows aging
Contains phytonutrients and antioxidants
Aids in healing scars and tissue regeneration
Anti-inflammatory
Soothes redness and irritation

Toxic Ingredients To Avoid :

Mineral Oil

Made from petroleum to produce gasoline
Toxic and is a carcinogenic
Clogs pores creating risk for breakouts
Contributes to body contamination

Parabens

(Methylparaben, ethylparaben, propylparaben, butylparaben)
Most widely used preservative In products
Although they reduce bacteria and fungus from your products, they are chemicals being absorbed into your skin
Slightly mimics estrogen which can lead to breast cancer

Sulfates

(Sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS), sodium laureth sulfate (SLES), and ammonium lauryl sulfate (ALS)
Common in-toothpaste, soaps, detergents, and shampoos
Toxic when applied to the skin
Eye and skin irritant
Can cause cancer or mutations
Organ and reproductive toxicant
Dries out the skin

F,D & C Color + Pigments

Synthetic colors contain heavy metal salts
Deposits toxins in the skin
Skin irritant
Carcinogenic
Can cause death and oxygen depletion