The beginning of my journey into motherhood •••
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I sat in my last ceremony with the grandmother 𓆙June 19, 2021.
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Within the first hour of ceremony, Abuelita Ayahuasca told me to put my hands on my womb. I put my hands on my womb, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply and softly. I began to journey inside my womb, into the waters of my womb, into the blood and tissues, into my uterus… where I saw a fetus floating and connected. My belly began to grow bigger and bigger until I was fully pregnant. I opened my eyes and asked the medicine, “ Am I pregnant ?.” And the journey began.
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One of my intentions going into this ceremony was to connect deeply with my relation with motherhood . I had been going through agonizing pain in my womb for the first time in many years and experiencing sensations that I had not felt in a long time. These sensations were bringing up a lot for me. Many old experiences, traumas, wounds, thoughts, fears and more.
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I got very sick in my womb and was hospitalized. I had damage to my right fallopian tube and they wanted to remove it. As the infection began to subside and the fluid in my fallopian tube started to drain, I went home to heal further and was bed ridden for weeks and weeks. I was told that I needed to have fallopian tube removal surgery, but that I could wait until I decided I wanted to conceive, since I did not need it urgently anymore for potential rupture of the tube. This is because it would cause threat of ectopic pregnancy, which can be fatal of course to the baby, but also to the mother.
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I was moving through such a deep process inside. After a decade of healing my womb and finally feeling liberated there, feeling good there and finally feeling a little spec of pleasure for the first time in my life after so much healing work, I found myself with a sick, burning, aching womb, and now an even lower potential of being a mother. I felt so deeply discouraged, numb, sad, confused, hopeless, violated, rageful, and more.
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I have always wanted to be a mother.
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To be continued • • •