The two metamorphosis’s 𓆨𓆦
The first metamorphosis of motherhood occurs when we are pregnant.
It is this whole process, where we are letting go of our old body and identity for the very first time. Our body is doing something it has never done before. It grows bigger and bigger and bigger, heavier and heavier. All of our organs move to other places and everything is opening, expanding and making room for this new little being to grow. It is the first time we are sharing our actual body with another being. Another being literally living inside of us. Sharing our air, blood, food, energy~ everything physically and energetically. Sharing every moment with us inside of our body. The stretching, the body changes, the heightened senses, the loosened bones, joints and tissues. It’s such an experience.
You watch yourself shift and transform over 9 months into a whole other woman. Wondering what you will be like as a mother. What you will feel like, look like. How you will navigate your new life. So many thoughts and fears cycle and loop within your mind, heart and body, throughout the experience. It’s all in the future and no matter what you do to prepare yourself ~ you are not really prepared for the real thing .
You start to feel this powerful mother instinct and protection of yourself and your baby .
Your friends are still around because you are still “you” even with your growing belly. You still have time to be present with them in some of the same ways, enjoy your time and space and practice whatever rituals you love. You still have your own time and life .
The second metamorphosis comes the moment you birth your baby to earth.
The moment you touch the other side … you retrieve your baby and pass through the threshold . The moment their slippery vernix covered skin evacuates out of you, still connected to you by your placenta and umbilical chord. The moment you crack wide open, touch death , and are reborn again.
The moment your baby is not inside you anymore and is outside against your chest crying their first cry, breathing their first air, seeing you and earth for the first time.
You become mother. You are no longer maiden anymore.
You no longer have your own time.
You no longer have energy or full presence for others .
You have energy and full presence for your new baby .
You have every bit of you , all for them.
You give yourself away completely .
You sacrifice yourself and everything else .
You are humbled to your knees . You are shattered . You are open and bleeding and empty inside . All organs still sifted to the sides and all over the place. You are an open blob. A hollow tree .
Who are you now?
You will never be the old you anymore . You grieve your old self, body, and identity.
Like when the snake sheds her skin, she sheds it all at once ~ not little by little. She goes blind right before she sheds her skin, and when it sheds she sees anew , out of fresh lenses.
This is you Momma.
Just like your new baby . Seeing anew.
You are a newborn baby too. You have to find your new self in the world as a mother . You have to find your center within this softness, blob- centered, broken feeling.
You have to find beauty in your new body. Find power and strength somehow with zero sleep . Maybe zero help or support. Maybe you cannot eat for 7 hours while you cluster feed your baby boob to boob to boob and you are so hungry .
And you find will-power.
A super power. Mother - super - powers 100% flow through you like adrenaline and lightning bolts to refuel you.
Your hormones go through the biggest leap possible in the human body instantaneously 0-100. Floor to the sky.
You ride the biggest emotional waves of your life when your milk comes in. You feel defeated and so in love at the same time, with oxytocin ~ the love hormone pumping through your vessel.
Ooooof mama. The post partum journey is no joke .
The metamorphosis continues, as your baby blossoms into being ~ so do you . It takes A LOT of time. A whole other cycle of time. Everything has to find a new place . Your skin is stretched and expansive. Your body still open and trying to seal back up. Re- weave itself . Re-integrate. Time feels so slow and never ending as you see the sunrise over and over again each day and have to keep going, giving your baby and life all you have. At the same time, it’s flying by and your baby is growing so fast . Every day a new magical thing to witness and feel . Seeing life for the first time all over again through this precious, innocent , pure little being.
The most divine gift possible.
You may find your friends aren’t there much anymore now that you are not “ you” anymore and can’t give them all your attention. Maybe they don’t understand or relate to you anymore as you’ve shifted everything you every thought or understood before . You went through the biggest ceremony, the grandest initiation and right of passage & the most profound and powerful psychedelic trip of your lifetime. Oh ya ! Just like you are a transformed person after your plant medicine ceremony . Try birth !!! Nothing is the same after that. It’s a whole new programming. A whole new set of lenses, mentality & healing journey. What doesn’t resonate inside of that new frequency, it falls off completely.
You have new friends flowing in . Maybe other mothers and parents who just ~ get it.
You don’t have time to explain yourself or give energy to bullshit anymore.
Your boundaries are fierce AF and your tolerance filter is pristine and crystalline. Your level of discernment is strong and equipped .
You are momma bear now.
Unfuckwithable . No one wants to mess with Momma.
That part feels pretty damn powerful, I am not going to lie.
There is also an isolation. A loneliness .
A confusion of how you are going to do this . To raise another human being well~ in the right ways. The truly meaningful ways. The beauty way.
The whole weight of life is on your shoulders to carry along with your baby.
Especially as a solo momma ~ it is so damn hard to feel this all on your own and stay strong for your baby every day. A grounded, stable, pillar.
I always visualize the process of metamorphosis when a butterfly or moth is inside the cocoon or shiny chrysalis, and is fighting and breaking through this tough sheath, to emerge as a magnificent winged creature . A new being.
It’s not an easy process.
There are actually two processes as well interestingly enough.
One where they dissolve all their tissues and all of their cells begin a process of transforming completely. Regrows itself into a completely new creation. The second part is getting out of the chrysalis.
The old catterpillar is completely broken down and turned into something new.
So are we mommas.
It was the caterpillars destiny to become a butterfly, as it is ours to become a Mother. Trust the process and the transformation. It is all perfect.
Every time my daughter looks at me deeply in the eyes, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light within all the darkness and the blessing in it all.
It is right here. To be fully FULLY present is key.
Every day as I move through this second metamorphosis 9 months later, I go through waves of feeling complete overwhelm and then I get reminded that this is probably the best time of my whole life. The love I feel . My baby so close to me every day. Belly to belly, heart to heart. Her big brown eyes looking up at me with a radiant smile, loving me as her whole universe. It’s the best feeling in the world. I know I will miss it when she is older . I cherish every single spec of time offered to me . What a gift this is.
To be continued…